I ask all of my coaching clients to fill out a Prep Sheet before each coaching session. One question on the sheet asks about shifts they’re making. Sometimes those shifts are monumental. I’d like to share one of those times with you, with my client’s permission.
_________________________
“I’m losing weight. It feels good. I feel happy and healthy. Not because I’m losing weight, but because I’m loving the journey I’m on. This week my husband and I talked about this article he read about men. It talked about how they are so preprogrammed to work toward the end result. To win. But the point isn’t to win, the point isn’t to get to the end result as the goal. The point is the journey. As we discussed the article, I realized that one reason we diet is because we focus on the end result. When I lose weight it will all be good. But then when we lose weight, and we are still unhappy, we gain it back. Thus diets suck.
I also realized that we eat to numb the journey. The journey seems too painful because of the stories we tell ourselves and because we are so focused on some end result. When we face the pain and allow ourselves to be present in the feelings, we realize it doesn’t kill us and it actually brings freedom. The journey starts to become tolerable and in fact we can start making the most of our journey. I know this is all stuff that I already know, but it clicked, deeper.
Another realization I came to this week is that I am finally seeing my family through healthy eyes. I don’t have to make excuses for anything I do. I don’t have to apologize for anything. I don’t have to explain anything or justify anything. It’s not because I’m mean or uncaring or hateful. It’s because I have boundaries. It’s because I love myself and I deserve to have the life I’ve always wanted. I used to believe that I had to be completely and entirely accommodating or else I’m a bad person. Now I believe that I can be accommodating if it works out and doesn’t cross my boundaries, because what I want and need is just as important as what someone else wants or needs. How freeing!”
________________________________________
Ellen Shuman is a Life Coach who specializes in emotional and binge eating issues. She is the founder of A Weigh Out & Acoria Eating Disorder Treatment, Vice President of the Binge Eating Disorder Association (BEDA), and Co-Chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders Special Interest Group on “Health at Every Size”, ellen@aweighout.com
Thanks for your willingness to share your pre-work. I’m establishing boundaries as well with my family and everyone else in my life. I feel great about the boundaries, but I find myself apologizing for establishing them. I also feel a little conflicted. I sometimes wonder if my pendulum has swung too far in the direction of being too selfish. I decided I couldn’t worry about being too selfish, and I needed to stop apologizing. So I’ve told my live in boyfriend I was done apologizing for every move I make. I told him I needed to reset my understanding of what required an apology. I told him, I would falter on the side of not apologizing and asked him to let me know if there was something I did that actually required an apology. He agreed. We’ll see how it works. Good luck with your journey!
I know what you mean about feeling selfish. I had this aquaintance who lost over 100 lbs. She was such an inspiration to everyone. But she seemed to change. She seemed to become mean and defiant about people crossing her boundaries. She even left her husband. I thought, “I don’t want to lose weight and change my life, if I have to become like that to do it.” But my family knows my heart and your family knows yours. It’s great that you and your boyfriend can give each other support and feedback. Enjoy your journey!
Just wanted to mention that I totally understand how you can face the pain instead of ignoring it and covering it up with food. That’s what I was doing for years! Just ignoring all those emotions, not wanting to deal with them and numbing myself with food. It actually feels a lot better in a weird way to confront my emotions because then I can figure out solutions or different perspectives.